I haven't blogged in forever, so it most certainly is past due!



Nothing new or interesting! December and January were a little rough thanks to crappy holiday pay, vacation time, and expensive road trip doctor's visit... But that's thankfully all over now and there's food once again in the kitchen! Buying overstocked food from Amazon was the BEST idea I ever had. x___X Thanks to that we had enough to eat, just not a lot of variety and delicious meat. >>; I missed MEAT.



Deadsider volunteered me to one of his coworkers to do webbysite stuff and at first I was a little "gaaaww" about it, cause I'm pretty moody about getting that sort of stuff done. But he's paying me to do some really simple things and help teach him how to do stuff. He and his wife are very cool, like old cheerful grandparents. XD Plus his project is really interesting. Running an eBook site. So I'm going to enjoy playing with it and making pickup some useful info of doing a project like that myself.



And so speaking of writing, I'm doing a lot of "mini" pieces lately. Mostly just short scenes to fill out stuff in RPGs or add some extra background info to characters. I'm kind of hoping if I can write all these little pieces, maybe I can write little bits to ONE story and then put them all together for the full effect.



I also tried my hand at writing -koff- smut -koff-. If anything surely I could write trashy romance novels. XD It was a fun experiment trying to write romantic naughty scenes and a lot harder than I expected it to be. I think I might try to do them more often when I can get a good "feel" for a character pair. If not just for me but to pleasure my ladies yeeeaaah! cackle



Beyond that... feeling a little anti-social the past couple weeks, but that's pretty normal Diana moods. c__c Just have to find me a nice energetic pick-me-up to get perky about.



And that has been your seasonal update!
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So, our old boss from Fred's showed up today and we had a chat! She's decided she's going to make sure Pan gets a job personally, by speaking to some of the local store managers. And knowing her personality, bullying them until someone hires him. XD She said that out of all the people she's ever worked with, Pan has been the best employee she ever had, and she really worries about how he's doing.



She also said she would love to help me get a job too, but confessed that she would rather take me up on my offer to babysit her daughter. XD Then she asked me how much I'd like to get pad, and when I told her "my aunt paid me 50 dollars a week!" she looked at me like I was crazy and said "That is NOT enough! Wtf?!"



Sooo as soon as Connie is hired at a new job, I will prolly become her new official babysitter and be watching a munchkin quite possibly FULL TIME. Cause I know that woman is a workaholic. And hopefully her awesome skills will get Pan hired at once of these stores he's been applying to. Tomorrow she's taking him out herself to talk to a few store managers.



I am really proud to be US. Especially Pan. I think it's amazing that she's willing to go somewhere and talk to people in person on Pan's behalf to get him hired somewhere. That really speaks volumes about a person's character. People really underestimate Pan because he's so quiet in person, and such a weirdo online. But he's probably one of the most solid and dependable people on the planet. c_c



Now I need to kid proof my apartment. Luckily that won't be too hard...
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I haven't blogged in forever, so it's safe to assume all is well and fine in the Deadsider-Notacat household. XD



It's that wonderful time of year when it starts getting cool and I LOVE it. I'm now leaving the air conditioning off and keeping the windows open. It smells so fresh and brisk!



I bought two bigass bags of Halloween candy and they're almost gone. c.c;; Granted I buy all that candy for us anyway and not really for the trick-or-treaters... but I was kind of hoping it would at least last until Halloween. e.e;;



Of course I go back and forth between being bitter and riding my high horse like a smug sonofbitch. XD That's nothing new.



My movie shelf is FULL and now I have to start on the second shelf that has the music CDs and console video games. c.c; Which is awesome and evil at the same time. My movie collection is badass.



Life in Georgia is still as horrible, dramatic, and never ending stress as usual. XD I talked to mom the other day and she's like "So what's going on?" and I'm all "Uh... we got a bread maker?" cause that's pretty much the most exciting thing to happen to us all summer, besides the weird Gay Furry Stalker guy that suddenly decided to be our friend.



Speaking of which, yes Gay Furry Stalker guy is a freak. Pan and Deadsider met him randomly when they went out to buy a game, he seemed normal and they invited him over to chat and play. Then he was hitting on Pan, talking about sucking penises, touching himself and being WEIRD. >>; After he left they were like "Glad we never have to see him again!" but then he started calling on the phone ten times a day and stopping by the apartment EVERY DAY and knocking on the door for HOURS whether we were at home or not. Then he started knocking on our NEIGHBORS doors and trying to get invited in there. c__c;



One day was particularly disturbing and amusing cause he knocked on the door, he knew we were home, and he started whistling like those psycho killer people do on scary horror films. It was freaking crazy.



So finally I told our cop neighbor upstairs we have NOT been inviting this guy over no matter what he's been trying to tell people, and the cop said he'd scare him off. XD I think he's finally getting the hint now, cause we haven't actually seem him in two weeks and he's only called like two or three times... >>;



But really, beyond that we live a very calm and peaceful existence and I love it. Listening to Mom talk about all the crap that continues to go on there is just a nice reminder on how much a really appreciate the way life is now. It's not glamorous, or other nonsense, but it's good and it's pleasant!



And now I am going to clean the kitchen before the bug people get here. x.X
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So when we first moved in to the apartment I was all a-twitter at all the storage place we had. We didn't have any furniture and not much stuff... so of course it felt like tons of space! Now, a year later, I'm wondering "Where did all of my storage go?!" and it's a real pain in the ass!



It's the worst in the kitchen and in the bedroom. I'm quickly running out of storage space in the kitchen for all my cookware, appliances and food... and I don't even have a complete set of cookware/serveware. c__c I'm still missing a dozen different sizes of pots, pans, casserole dishes. My spices are in a jumbled mess, and I'm using two and half of my cabinets for extra food storage cause the pantry isn't big enough. >>;



Our bedroom closets are a mess. Everything that belongs to me and Deadsider, that I don't want scattered all over the living room is crammed in there. I really, reeaaaly need to clean out the clothes and get rid of all the stuff we can't/don't wear anymore. I have some rubbermaid drawers in there for extra organizing and storage, but they quickly were filled up. x___x All we have is the Bed and a TV tray in there for the clock, so I don't have any dressers for the extra storage space. Not that we could really fit any furniture in there. c__c; Maybe a headboard and two side tables, but beyond there, there's just no space for furniture.



It's amazing how much space a family of three grown adults and one small cat needs! c.c; And it's not even all useless junk either, which means I can't go running through the closets and throwing stuff out. I don't buy "knick knacks" unless they have multipurpose and functional... Except for HOLIDAY stuff, because damnit. I didn't get to enjoy holidays and decorating for them when I was a kid, I'm doing that NOW!



On the fun side of things, I've been looking at local real estate to check on property values for a house. It is the "dream" to be able to get a house by next winter. That's probably not going to happen, but I like planning ahead. c__c We can get a three bedroom, two bathroom, plus garage house around here for around 100,000 dollars, give or take. Which is AWESOME and totally within budget.



Finding the right house for us will be the hardest part. We NEED two full bathrooms. That's non negotiable. 2 bedrooms minimum, but 3 is ideal. (For guests, possible babies, and extra storage!) A garage would be great, to be able to convert it over to extra rooms or storage. A large private yard is a MUST! Pan needs lots of space to plant his plants and our veggie/herb garden! A big open kitchen is also a must. I spend a great deal of time cooking, so I don't want to be cut off from everyone nor do I want it all crapped where people can't fit in there.



Then there's making sure the heating/air conditioning is in top conditions, along with the house wiring, the plumbing, and anything else that'd piss me off if we moved in and I had to get it repaired. That's what home inspections are for.



I will have you house... and it shall be divine...!
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Sometimes I wonder what it is about me that makes so many people like me and want to talk to me. x__x Mostly on days like last night where everyone under the sun wanted to chitchat, get advice, get attention, ask questions, gossip, ect. It was frustrating, but not in a BAD way... I just couldn't get five minutes to myself so I could type some rpg posts, and by the time everyone finally went to bed, my internet had to die. o_____o Thanks a lot cox.



Of course last night where the gobs of people were frustrating, I wake up today thinking... I love this. It gives warm fuzzy feelings to know you're needed, appreciated and loved. That person in people's lives that they can always trust to turn to whether it's just for friendly fun or something serious.



I makes me want to be a better person and a better friend. c.c To have that kind of effect on people, it should be something positive and good. What's the use of having such a strong influence over people if you can't use it to give people at least one pleasant thing.



So NOW before everyone wakes up or gets online I am going to try and do those rpg posts. e.e;
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I really hate being angry. No one likes being angry, but I really really hate it. e.e; When I'm angry it kinda puts a whole sour spin on my entire day... and that SUCKS! So I'm trying to get away from being angry by thinking about all the GOOD and HAPPY things about life. Things I appreciate and am thankful I have. A good exercise that we pray works. e.e;;



The people that were my best friends and role models are still here for me today, and I think that's awesome. Like Rushita and Plaid Wolf who have been parental figures. Strong adult voices that give me someone to look up to, and a model of the kind of person I wanted to grow up to be. Rushita is an impressive woman with faith in her beliefs and an unbelievable generosity to others. Even complete strangers! And Plaid Wolf is the guy that can cheer you up when you're crying inside, be tough when you need that tough love, and is always there as a support even if you don't talk to him. You just know he's there and feel better. I don't talk to them everyday... hell we rarely talk at all. But they were always and still are as important to me now as they were years ago when I was just getting started.



I'm really glad that I'm now in a position where I can do things for people the same way people took care of me. And not just online, we're able to help and take care of our real life friends too when they need it. It's really awesome that it's no longer "one day I'm going to return the favor" but actually getting to DO things for people.



Speaking of doing things for people, I need to go make some juice. c___c
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I always think I'm going to post, but I'm generally too lazy to bother doing it. Luckily nothing interesting has been going on anyway so it's not like you're missing much.



We took Pan for his clinic appointment the other day, for his checkup and all that stuff and we were ambushed by his new psychologist. c__c; I didn't realize just how deep all that stuff back in Georgia still affects me. Pan is so used to having to talk about that stuff with his doctors, but I've only discussed it with you guys who have BEEN here over the years while it was happening... So needless to say, I about cracked in a very unpleasant way. e.e;; And the psychologist could tell cause I was very VISIBLY upset. My eye started twitching, and I was fidgeting real bad, and I sounded about like I was gonna start bawling...



And these were just simple questions about where we used to live and school, and ect... It wasn't even prying questions. e.e; I just can't seem to handle talking about my family. I shouldn't really be surprised, I don't talk about my family with Deadsider's family much either... x.X



most people online think we exaggerate what happened, anyway. e.e; and why not? Most people Do exaggerate their problems and make them sound a million times worse than they are. Kinda sucks for the people that aren't making crap up. x.X



And of course all of that brought me back to thinking about Moonwings. Because despite it being an online community, it was a major part of my family too.



Pan keeps telling me a lot of people are bitter about Moonwings being closed and pissed at me about it. And I just want to throw up my middle finger with a big fat FUCK YOU and say where the hell were YOU when Moonwings needed your support? I gave more than my fair share of time, effort and love in to Moonwings. What happened to all those people that said they were my friend, and a friend to Moonwings when Moonwings needed it's MEMBERS to step up when I couldn't be there? You know what they did? They spat on Moonwings, and they spat on each other. If people weren't trying to fuck over other members they didn't like, it was people that didn't do ANYthing by sitting back and letting their friends go at it.



So anyone that's pissed at me, you can sure as hell bet I'm pissed right back. Because people just don't get it. YES, I could have banned every single person that was causing an issue on the site... but people don't realize just HOW MANY people that was. There were A LOT of people being complete assholes. I'd ban them, then all their friends would be WTF, and the whole community was going to get fucked over ANYWAY because so many damned people were banned, fighting, and doing this whole stupid civil war crap all because in the end NO ONE GAVE A FUCK ABOUT MOONWINGS! THEY ONLY CARED ABOUT THEMSELVES!



Why the hell should I waste my time catering to people that in the end... really don't care? Why did I spend years of my life trying to make a wonderful place for all of my friends, when my friends were just going to turn around and pull some bullshit and taint the very thing that brought us all together in the first place! WHY.



...Yeah, I'm still pissed. I'm still bitter. Angry, upset, disappointed. I want it all back, but I know that it can't come back. Just like I have to get over the crap that happened with my real family, I have to deal with what happened to Moonwings too. And it HURTS. And even though the people close to me understand how I feel, it's still like getting shot and salt smashed in to the wound every time I hear about someone that DOESN'T get it.



I might be bitter and resentful about what happened, but I haven't given up trying to create a place that stands for all of those things I love. And I want for all of those other bitter people, even if they can't find themselves in my community anymore, at the very least understand.



Here I thought I was past being angry. c___c;; Clearly not. I may never be done being angry. e.e I'm probably going to be angry for years to come...
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And I give you... my project!



It is not officially open until July 4th where I will "announce" it open and actually start sharing the link actively. BUT it's online and everyone is welcome to join now and participate.



It's not Moonwings. It can't be Moonwings, it won't replace Moonwings. But it IS a new start and a new chance to live again. You should never give up on a dream or ideal just because you could not make it work the first time around.



MY GOAL IS SIMPLE! I want to be able to ENJOY my time online. I want all of my friends to ENJOY their time online. I think the best way to do this is through ROLEPLAYING! I have never ever found a better way to escape stress, deal with problems, and make my day better than to get lost in a story that I build with my friends. It's fun! It's creative! It's exciting!



So the entire site is designed to cater to and enhance the roleplaying experience! Places to store your data, different ways to play, a way to build character pics, ect, ect. There are ways to participate even if you don't roleplay, so as long as one isn't a bitchin' moaner, there is even something for lurkers to do. You could always read the rpgs! XD



I also have the administration system set up differently, and I hope I don't have to use it. I do plan on flat out autobanning anybody that wants to sabotage or snark. e.e;; It's very clear about who cares for the community and who just wants to cut someone down, and I don't want any of us having to deal with that anymore. We want to enjoy our experience online, not be pissy about it.



I realize for awhile I might be very NAZI about snark. x___X But it's very much like when I started Moonwings after SMU died. It's always hard to make a clear distinction that the communities are NOT the same and that people need to leave the baggage behind. x___x Baggage is the #1 thing we internet community refugees seem to drag with us everywhere we go.



So there you have it! So far I ~LOVE~ it. Several of us have stated up RPGS and we're having so much fun just being able to get online roleplay, rpg plot, ect that it's been a blast! More fun than I've had online in ages! People are excited to try out stories and characters, give suggestions, share their stuff. I'm very happy how it's going so far, and I hope that once it's "official" that it will continue to grow and be prosperous without any major issues.



I hope to see some more friendly faces really soon! <3
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First I will say that I stand behind and support Yuko 100%. Not just as her administrator and bosslady, but as her friend. I believe Yuko did the best that she could as a Moonwings admin under the circumstances, and I doubt I would have done any better were I in her shoes. People get in to fights and people can make mistakes, but you don't go around harassing them for it. Only asshats go out of there way to directly hurt someone on purpose. What kind of excuses can you make for that kind of behavior? "Yuko was an unfair bitch!" Even if it were true, what I saw some people do - people that I thought were a lot better than that and had respect for - was totally asinine. Beneath them, and beneath everything our community was supposed to stand for.



I, admittedly, have fucked up plenty of times over the years. I'll get pissed off and say things I don't mean, or get in to fights, or handle problems in the totally wrong way because I'll get so upset that I don't stop to think. But I have never EVER deliberately went out to stalk someone, harass them, form a posse against them, petition against them, trash talk them to all their friends to turn them against them, or ANYTHING to actually TRY and HURT them. Anyone who would actually do this to someone that they once called a friend is not someone I want anything to do with.



That who ordeal that happened wasn't why I closed Moonwings, as I had been thinking about shutting it down for months before the mess even got started. x__X But it did show me that a lot of people that claimed to be friends to me and supporters of our community, were just a bunch of liars. If they cared about anything besides themselves, they wouldn't have treated Yuko the way they did, and they wouldn't have used my community as a weapon to hurt her. Used my community as a weapon. Not just the forums, blogs, or chat, but [i]people[/i] as a weapon.



It's a betrayal of trust and friendship. I can forgive a lot, but never when it involves deliberately hurting someone you used to call a friend and for petty reasons to boot.



Anycase, I really, really appreciate the people that have been supportive of me and my feelings of loss over Moonwings. But I would also really appreciate if people would let Yuko know that they love and care about her too. A lot of people did some piss-poor things to her, and she needs to know that she still has friends that care.



Viva la Yuko!
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I think it's important when you lose something or someone really important to you, that you take a look at your life and remind yourself of all the good things you still have, and reconstruct your life so you can move forward.



When I'm not lurking in a dark cave somewhere being dark and brooding, I think about that and how different it is for me no compared to several years ago. I remember when everything was always doomed and the only thing I had to give me any sort of hope or foundation was Moonwings. x.X I spent year after year after year being the same person, doing the same routine, never getting anywhere. Lots of ideas and big dreams but everything felt impossible. Moonwings and the people in it were the only light in my life!



But one day Diana got involved with someone that was worth taking chances for!



At the time it didn't really seem like a big life-changing moment. I knew Deadsider for years before we ever thought of each other in a romantic sense. I loved talking to him on aim, cause he has that same dramatic flare and sense of humor that I do. I had that some cheesy-girl crush on him that tons of the Moonwings/Senshi Diaries girls did, but I never took it seriously. I get crushes on everybody and at the time I was dating Alex. I never thought of him as someone I would ever date. And then one summer we were just talking a lot. About more than just our usual chit chat, but we'd talk about our lives, stuff we enjoyed, ect. It was extraordinary how much we had in common and similar we were! It was like looking in a mirror and seeing what we would have been like had our this happened instead of that.



Then one day in the fall we were talking about relationships, and I made some flippant comment about how I was a really horrible girlfriend, and no man in their right mind would ever date someone like me. And he said "..I would." ...and that was romantic history! At first I didn't want to go through another long distance relationship, because of what had happened before. But we just clicked, so I thought... why the hell not? Take the risk, but do it different this time! Don't live years without ever getting to be together!



Almost year had went by and we kept talking about me going there to visit him, but nothing was actually happening. So one day I said "Fuck it! You're coming here!" I bought him a bus ticket right away, so he could come as soon as possible! That was another huge risk, because well... who in the hell wants to be at my parents house. e.e; We finally got to meet and be with each other in person and it was like... Like we had always been together! There wasn't any weird awkwardness, it was just right! It was so right he STAYED. He didn't go back home. He got a job there in Georgia and lived with me right there in hell. It was cramped, and it was tough, and it was stressful. But he stayed and we worked through it. He was there a year before things things got really bad and he lost his job.



While we were job hunting, he said we should go back to Arkansas and move in with his Dad. I was really worried that his Dad wouldn't take me too, and I didn't want to have to leave my brother alone in hell. But again, one day I decided, if we didn't take the risk and do something drastic that nothing good was going to happen. His Dad DID accept taking me too and we moved to Arkansas!



The rest is pretty much recent history. I lived here a year before we got our apartment and rescued Pan. Moving here to Arkansas was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and it might not of happened if I didn't make the conscious choice to take a RISK. I met someone that was special enough for me to do things and make choices that I would have never risked doing before. Now I'm with a man I really really love, and gives me warm fuzzy feelings even now years later just because he brings home some breakfast after work. I'm in my own home, surrounded by wonderful people, doing things I have never done before and finally really loving and enjoying my life!



If Moonwings never existed, I wouldn't have all of this now. So even though I had to make a hard choice to let go of Moonwings. To admit to myself how things were getting too far for me to fix, I can still think about Moonwings with fondness and not have to hate it or have regrets. Moonwings isn't dead just because I had to close the forums. Moonwings is still my entire life - now it's just represented in a completely different way.



So now I have to take another risk. My biggest most overwhelming fear right now is that I'm going to be hurt by the very community that I'm trying to care for. I've said before I was born to run my community. It's still true. And even though I'm horrified that I'm going to officially announce my new project and all of that toxic doom is going to come flooding back in... I really can't imagine doing anything else. I'm putting all of my ideals, hope and virtue in to trying to give people a happy place they can feel at home - that place I didn't have for the longest time, and the place that I am finally able to enjoy now in my real life.



I think it's kind of ironic that finally I have all that I wanted in my real life - and now my online life has fallen apart. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to bring it back, and that I won't be able to give back to people what they've given me. But if I want it, I have to risk it, right?



I have to take a chance, rock the boat, make a change, break away! If I could build a community from the ground up after the death of SMU to create something as great as Moonwings, and if I could go from being beaten down in Georgia to having a happy family here in Arkansas... I can rebuild my foundation online and remind people what it means to care! To do what's right for your community and not just yourself! To give people a shining example of how much better life can be if you put your heart and soul in to something GOOD!



Now I just have to find the courage to DO IT WITHOUT FEAR. And that my dears is the hardest part of all.
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Someone is trying to hack in to my Gaia Online account. x___X; They done tried twice in the past 24 hours and I keep getting email alerts about. And I have no idea WHY considering, I don't even HAVE anything worth stealing. o__o;



Now neopets, THAT's where I have something worth stealing. u__u;



I know I'm going thru the stages of grief, cause I've recently hit ANGER to a point where it's showing up in my dreaming. Which really puts me in a foul mood for the whole day. e.e; I'm consistently angry all the time now, and it's a real downer. I think anger is the emotion I hate feeling the most, cause I get violent and vicious. x__x It's even worse than depression, cause I can at least block out depression with fluffy happy mush movies. You can't erase anger. @__@



So for the moment I am groovin' to some better mood music and chillin' in my sweet living room. It's amazing how cleaning up your house can improve you mood! I'm still giddy pleased with my new TV shelf. >>



I'm also addicted to those Elouai.com doll makers. x.x Except, I think Azul makes better fashions and hair styles. >>;;
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Oh the irony! Deadsider gets the perfect work hours, and now it seems I can't stop sleeping by his old ones! e.e Stupid sleeping habits! And I keep forgetting to make his lunch and getting his clothes dry in time. He's now going to work at the time he used to be going to bed. Bah.. I'll get that worked out with time. x__X



So, I drug a TV entertainment shelf out of the garbage. > : D It was a wonderful find and in perfect condition. And it looks great! That's 120 bucks I don't have to spend now. I love being a Trash Pirate!



About two hours ago it freaking hailed golf balls. And I'm not exaggerating, I took a picture. x___X I have never seen hail like that before. I'm surprised it didn't bust car windows. It was kind of scary. c__c We've had a LOT of tornado activity this season, and some in town doing a lot of damage. So I'm kinda paranoid about them now. e.e



Life without Moonwings is both a relief and a bitter anger. It's a huge relief to not have to be responsible for everything. But I also really miss that connection. Most of the time, when I think about it, though I'm just really bitter. I'm mad about the people that are pissed at me cause I couldn't stand it any more, and I'm mad about the people that said they cared about the community, but were making things worse. And I'm mad about the people that only talked to me because I was the webmaster and could make them a mod, and I'm mad about the people that only came to the site once a season and then claimed they really missed the site. And I'm definitely mad about the people that said it's my own fault because I'm a crappy webmaster, when I am only ONE person in a community a a HUNDRED people. It's my fault that people have no self control over their own actions and behavior? e.e;



I'm just mad. Sad, depressed, bitter, resentful. I really am excited about my new project and trying to move forward. But it still doesn't replace what Moonwings was, or fix the heartbreak of finally calling it quits. e.e; I think about it A LOT. probably more than anyone realizes. Kind of like a bad breakup with someone you really love but know you can't be with any more.



Argh and now I realize how this relates to other big moments in my life and it gave me the brain hurting willies. x__x



I guess if I write my life story I can jot it down as another big life altering moment. e.e; Ooooh... aaah.



But, aside from random moments of bitter anger, I am very pleasant and happy the rest of the time. c__c; We're all doing better now that life is settling down again. We're just hoping someone calls Pan back about his applications soon so he'll stop moping around the house being bored. x_x



For now I will go forth and be pleased as pie about my NINJA TURTLE movies to arrive on Monday!
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Simmons keeps laying off employees, and it totally got rid of 3rd shift, which is Deadsider's shift. e.e; Luckily, they didn't fire him and he's been moved to 2nd shift. x.X So we quite nearly ended up screwed with all three of us being jobless, and that would've sucked balls. All of his friends from work have been layed off, including our buddy Wes... so I was waiting to see us all spiraling in to chaos. x__x



But yay, he still has his job, and now we'll be switching around sleeping habits again. Now Deadsider will be living by my ideal habits. > He'll be at work from 6pm to 1am, and awake until his bedtime sometime in the morning, which lets meee spend time with my honey AND spend time with people online. Except for days where I have to go out and run errands which I must stay up extra late so I can go out buying groceries and paying bills and going to the bank while everything is open. x.X



I am relieved that we're not screwed over, and it really makes a person think about how things can go wrong in the future. c__c; I'm really glad I have the savings account set up, and now I'm going to be very consistent in adding money to our savings. So next time we have an emergency and we're NOT so lucky, we'll have money to fall back on. x.X



As for the job front for me and Pan.. Pan has a how buttload of applications he's filling out to turn in, and he's going to see if our previous bosslady Connie, will hire him at the new store she's working in. XD We know that she WILL if they need more people, cause Pan was the best employee she ever had. It's really just a matter of where he gets hired first.



I finally got the apartment straightened out from those weeks of me working. x____X Took about two weeks to clean up the kitchen, get stuff organized, take care of the laundry, vacuum, ect, ect... It was a crazy mess. c__c; I even cleaned out the closets and the junk drawers.



One again, I sing my praises of Amazon Grocery. Because of it, all I ever have to pickup is perishables, canned goods and frozen food. Amazon Grocery is my hero!



And now I go clean the dishes. u.u;
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I'm stressed about something, but I'll wait until tomorrow to talk about it, when I find out for sure. e.e;



NO I'm not pregnant, jeeze! x__X



In the meantime, I am focusing on happy things! Like the people I love and care about!



Azul had one of her projects accepted to something really cool, and now she's doing a presentation of it in Canada, which I think is freakin' COOL. Azul is a multicultural multi-talented genius that gets to do all sorts of amazing and extraordinary things! I think she's going to conquer the world. c.c;



Alan shares my taste in music so well, that I know I can ask him for a themed mix and hell pick the perfect songs. Alan picks the perfect songs even when the remix isn't even for me. Most of my favorite songs and new discovered bands are the ones Alan introduced me to. You'll know what he's thinking and feeling by the songs he's listening to. Being moved by the music is an awesome thing.



I really admire Yuko, because despite all the shit she goes thru with her health, family, ect, she keeps on trucking. She hasn't given up on life and started spiraling down in to the depths of emo, self pity, abuse, or make retarded choices regardless of consequences. She has goals and ideals that she reaches for, and doesn't let mistakes break her down!



I know I'm not always a good friend. e.e; I usually get lost somewhere in the middle of the universe trying to keep it together. But I really care about my friends, and I hurt when they hurt, am excited when they are excited, and always think about them, even if it's been years since I last spoke to them. So I just want people to know I care, even if I'm not around to say so personally.
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I know I've mentioned that I love Amazon Grocery. But I'll mention it again anyway. I really, really love Amazon Grocery. It's just freaking awesome. I get to order all of our favorite meals in bulk, Deadsider doesn't freak out at massively huge grocery bills, and it stocks up my pantry sooooo well!



And I found Duck flavored Ramen. How cool is that?



My kitchen has almost recovered from my long absence. If only I could catch up the laundry that needs to be put up, straighten up the living room, clean out the bathroom, and organize the junk drawers and the closet. c.c;;



I've been busy with my project, though. It's coming along beautifully! It's been a pleasant fresh start, and so far I am enjoying the progress.



I realized yesterday that Moonwings 8th birthday came and went, and I missed it. I thought I might commemorate the day with something special, but I think I'm still too bitter about it. Like someone unfriendly said in an email, I was all about the community and then I chose to shut it down. Even so, I still believe it was the best thing to do... maybe not for all of the little people... but for me.



People forget that I'm a human being with feelings, motivations, dreams. My ENTIRE LIFE was about Moonwings. Who would really think that I took shutting it down lightly? Without knowing the consequences? Without feeling the hole of where it's been missing? No one put as much time, work and love in to Moonwings than I did. So I am deeply offended and frankly, pissed off, by anyone that thinks I'm a twat for shutting it down. Yeah, I could've given people one last month with Moonwings before I did it... but then I might have lost my nerve. And then it would have been yet another long painful year of promises, but no results. After all, I've already went down that road before! And what happened? Nothing changed.



I get very nice emails and sometimes very mean emails because I shut down Moonwings. And all I can think is "Where were you when I stated we had a problem? On multiple occasions? Where was your community spirit then?" Cause frankly, I got two hands and I can count the people that were actually TRYING to make a difference - and I got fingers left over.



So it's been a month since I closed it. I'm still bitter. I have no regrets.



I would like to move on, and I'm trying really hard to look towards the future and starting this new era of my life. But, you know how it is. e.e; Something that important to you can't just be forgotten about. Most of the time I am excited about new plans, but there's still those moments I get pissed off or really depressed. But I'll get through, and everyone else will too.
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It's been days since Freds closed and I am STILL in massive amounts of pain. x__x I've got cuts and bruises on me head to toe, my whole body is stiff and sore, and my feet still ache when I stand longer than 10 minutes. It prolly didn't help I spent the first few days after closing running errands and walking all around town.



It was hilarious while we were working on cleaning out the store cause customers would show up saying. "If you're closed, why are you still here?!" ...Uh, duh... All the merchandise and shelves don't magically disappear when a store closes. The employees have to count it, pack it, load it on a truck.. And then rip down all the shelves and fixtures, then clean the entire store of years work of EW. It was massive hard work and most of us ended up with minor to severe injuries. One guy had his finger speared all the way through by a giant wood splinter. Our boss slice her hand open and got a big blood blister on the other when she crushed it under some shelves. I'm lucky the worse I walked away with was some huge bruises and a couple cuts.



So everyone is wondering what we'll do now and if we have a new job yet... And I'm like daaaaamn. We didn't have any time to go job hunting while we were working, cause we were working 12 hour days. Pan is taking a week or two to recover from all that mess. And I'm not ever working again! ....Okay unless the bookstore hires me. I put in an application there and I stop by every few days to pick up a new book. I volunteered to do book reviews even though I'm not an employee (yet!) so they may eventually hire me.



In the meantime, we've all agreed that it's nicer when Diana stays at home. Because then people get clean clothes, a clean house, bills payed on time, trash taken out, and errands run without the whole apartment looking like it's a tornado disaster zone. While I was working non stop those three weeks I actually forgot to pay the power bill cause I was just too damned tired to do anything but go straight to bed. We nearly got our power turned off.



And a big fat middle finger goes up to all those people who think I'm lazy. Because a lazy girl would not have received an official recommendation from THE District Manager of Freds because I was such a reliable and hard worker. Both Pan and I received one, because we showed up every day on time, stayed all day, put in over time, stayed late and busted our asses to get shit done.



Now I can mark a check box on my long list of things Diana Must Accomplish! I had a real job. I know I can DO the job. And next time I get one, it's going to be a million times easier. There's not any more fear about going out and trying, all that self doubt about whether or not I could handle it. I know I can now! I just hope it's the bookstore I get hired at, cause then It'll be a job I'll really love and enjoy!



WHAT'S NEXT! Well, I still have to get a legal and official driver's license. That kinda got put on hold since my job-plan to get a car has been cut a bit short. c__c; Luckily I can still jet around on the bike.



And then there's school. e.e;; Right now I'm hating on College and the whole thought of it, because so many people are getting screwed by their colleges. It costs too much money for a sub-par education, and you're not even guaranteed to get in to the field you studied for, so you have a huge change of going through all that school for nothing. AND it sure doesn't help that I STILL haven't decided what sort of career I would be content with for the rest of my life. I don't want to go to college and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars for something I'm not even going to USE.



Not that I think knowledge is for nothing. But putting yourself in debt for it is an entirely different matter all together.



So for now I'm just happy living!



And I won't forget my current project. It's coming along nicely, though really slow. I didn't expect it to go by quickly, but I'm excited about the potential of "FUN" it contains and I wish I could fast forward to all the good parts. The technical aspect of it is going to take forever, because I have to build the damn thing from SCRATCH. But, despite being annoying, that's a good thing. I want to try and correct all the mistakes I made in the past and see if I can build a better more solid system.



And from the ashes... new things are born!
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Freds is closed for good, Maggie left today for Colorado, and now I can sit down and breathe long enough to get things back in order.



The big questions on everyone's mind is; WHY DID YOU CLOSE MOONWINGS?!



The answer was simple, once I was honest with myself. It just wasn't enjoyable anymore.



I know a lot of people think it was another Diana Freakout because of stress and drama. That I'd get over it in a day or two, open it back up and continue on things as normal. But the truth of the matter is... I've not been enjoying for a long long time. Feelings of obligation was the only thing keeping me pushing forward. But if you don't love and enjoy what you do... you don't do a good job. Moonwings suffered for it, big time.



Now we come to REINVENTION.



Like Sailor Moon Universe that came before it, Moonwings had became corrupt. The spirit and soul of the community got lost somewhere. And just like SMU, no matter how much I wanted to, there is no way you can save it once it's lost. If it stayed open it was going to get worse, become a bitter boil of resentment and hostility. Eventually I would have faded and the site would suffer a long and painful death from neglect. Thus, we close an era... and begin something new.



I will be going back to my roots. Doing what I love and enjoy, for both me and my friends. Somewhere we can roleplay and escape from real life stress and enjoy really awesome stories and characters. I don't want to deal with people's lame-o fights or bad attitudes. I just want to get online and have some fun!



It won't be Moonwings. There's no way to go backwards and be what Moonwings used to be. But it will be somewhere enjoyable.



Now it just takes take to put it together! It's going to be fun!
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